I woke up this morning at 4:58 AM because it’s Sunday. Why do I wake up just before 5 AM, sharp-minded and fired up, when I do NOT have to go to work? I suspect I’m naturally-inclined towards morning-personness, provided I can ease into the day. “Easing” means staying in my pajamas, in the snug, drinking coffee, and reading the interwebs until I’m damn good and ready to face the day.
This morning, I read a piece in the New York Times Magazine about the Salk Institute’s “culture of marginalization and hostility” towards women scientists. Any woman who has forged a career in STEM will recognize these scientists’ stories.
Also, I read an article discussing Elizabeth Warren’s presidential candidacy and the likelihood that the Male Patriarchy Establishment will squash her campaign. Then I noticed a man wrote the article and I thought “Wait, what the fuck does he know about fighting back against the Male Patriarchy?” but I kept reading and came to this paragraph about the likability double-standard:
“And yet for a woman, being likable means something like being pliant, agreeable, submissive. And not intelligent or thoughtful. It means never standing up for yourself — and especially not for your ideas because you’re not supposed to have any. Women who do those things are “difficult,” “troublesome,” “challenging.” They don’t “fit”; they don’t “behave.” Minds aren’t things they’re supposed to have, just bodies — and if they do show any feelings, it proves how weak they are. The double bind of patriarchy — show that you have a heart, mind, or soul, and all it does is work against you. And yet the alternative is to act submissive and be furious inside forever.”
Yep. I realized years ago that no matter my professional qualifications and quality of work, my gender would always work against me because I am not (and have never been) willing to act like the men (and women) in charge expected me to behave. I refuse to give into the toxic, damaging double-standard the article discusses, and I’ve paid the price. I’ve been that woman who was “furious inside.”
I’ve had bosses (male AND female) tell me “tone it down,” “don’t be so aggressive,” “you need to be more of a ‘team player’,” or “don’t be so quick to speak up” while I watched these same bosses praise and reward male coworkers for demonstrating the same behaviors for which they slammed me.
I’ve also been mentored and listened to because I’m smart and experienced and not afraid to speak the fuck up. I’ve enjoyed (enjoy) working with male bosses and coworkers that didn’t (don’t) see anything wrong with spiky-as-fuck women.
It’s easier for me these days. I’m not so worried that I’ll lose my job for not knowing my place, for not being grateful that the boys let me into their tech-geek playhouse. The folks in charge still wish I’d shut the fuck up, but now all they do is grind their teeth and grimace. So be it.
I love Elizabeth Warren’s policy ideas, and I think she’d make a damn excellent president. But even if she loses, we win, because Sen. Warren is refusing to STFU about what’s wrong in America. Maybe a male candidate will adopt her policy ideas (sure, he’ll get the credit for coming up with such ‘innovative’ ideas) and the American people will benefit.
Or maybe, the next woman who runs, wins.
Another favorite? Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! AOC has all kinds of motherfuckers screaming at her to STFU and sit down. But she’s not giving in. I experience a deep, visceral joy watching this woman who is too young, too brown, too cute, too whatever push the too old and WAY too white establishment forward.
Taking the hits for refusing to comply with toxic, anachronistic rules for female behavior changes the fucking world, ladies. But being a change leader isn’t easy; the old world isn’t dying without a WW2-scale fight.
Readings
“A Brief History of the Irish Snug” — Shaunacy Ferro
“I Want What My Male Colleague Has, and That Will Cost a Few Million Dollars” — New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2019
“(How) Patriarchy is Spoiling America’s Next Election” — Umair Haque, Medium
“Why Straight White Women Perpetuate the Patriarchy” — Emma Lindsay, Medium