Cycle of Torment Christmas Card. Too Much? I've a pretty black sense of humor, so I think it's fantastic!
Can I be honest?. I dread the holidays! For me, it’s a time filled with shame and self-recrimination. It’s the most, NOT wonderful time of the year. “Happy Holidays, Spazzie! Once again, it’s time for the very, very festive Cycle of Torment!”
Phase 1 - Panic: kicks in, reliably every year, around Oct 31/Nov 1. It starts as mild anxiousness and grows into full-on daily panic attacks until after Jan 1. The more people I’m likely to disappoint, the more intense the panic. I start working on my “I’m not showing up” speech, and try to find an acceptable justification for why. I tell them anything but the truth, which is that drinking Drano would be less tortuous than spending the holidays with them.
Phase 2 - Guilt: Thinking anything other than ‘they’re awesome sauce” about your family is shameful! I smother these negative feelings; I recite the Litany of Personal Transgressions: “It’s your problem. Your too sensitive. You’re [insert adverb expressing the degree of your wrongness]. Everyone loves them; everyone thinks they’re fantastic. Except you. So what the fuck is your problem?” Until I, once again, completely negate everything I’m feeling, exactly as I’ve been conditioned to do since childhood.
Except now I’m a grown-ass woman, so these feelings don’t go back into Spazzie’s 10’ x 10’ emotional baggage storage unit willingly. I end up bailing, and they’ve no idea why. It’s not like I’ve been planning my escape since I was 15, but they don’t know that, so they think it’s just me being dramatic or crazy.
Phase 3 - Anger: Bursting free from its confinement, it’s red hot, as I repeatedly demand of myself “why do I let them do this to me? I’m 46 years old for fuck sake, am I EVER going to get beyond this? I get to choose how I spend my time, don’t I?” And so on, refining my anger into a pure, righteous rage. But maintaining righteous rage take a lot of energy, so I cycle back to Guilt.
I use to ‘man up’ and do the family thing with the help of several very excellent bottles of wine, and some seriously high-quality Irish Whiskey, but since Spazzie Girl realized life IS better sober, I'm blogging about the cycle this year. My therapist assures me this is progress!