So yesterday was my 47th birthday. I’m not terribly invested in the whole birthday thing, but I do take the opportunity for introspection. I pause and consider my life to date. I examine what, if any, changes are required to move me forward. Upon review, I must say things are good. If fact, things are amazing! Mostly because this was the year I learned to say “Nope.”
“Hey, Spazzie. You have to put up with all our bullshit because blood relates us.”
Spazzie: “Nope.”
“Hey, Spazzie, you’re a terrible person, but that’s OK because we’re family and we’ll always love you, even though you suck.”
Spazzie: “Nope.”
"Hey, Spazzie, our actions don't matter. It's what we SAY that's important."
Spazzie: "Nope."
“Hey, Spazzie, our needs come first! After all, it was all your fault that we were incredibly shitty parents, who ignored or negated your emotional needs because we were too immature and self absorbed to take care of you.”
Spazzie: “Nope.”
“Hey, Spazzie, you’re the worst person ever!”
Spazzie: “Nope.”
Yes, dear readers, this is the year I finally— after years and years of eating shit, battling crippling guilt, deflecting my negative feelings, rationalizing irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior, and accepting the blame for circumstances that I had no control over— that I said, “No More.”
The face says it all, No?
And damn, if it hasn’t been the best motherfucking year of my life! Because finally, it is, my life. The best part is that I didn’t have to screw anyone else to build this life. I built it through hard work and persistence. I did not do it alone. Bubba was there, fighting with me. We forged this life together, and resurrected ourselves, from the flaming wreckage of our childhoods.
I’m extremely fortunate that the man I married 26 years ago is still my best friend. He’s my most ardent ally. I am never sorry I wake up next to him. There are no words to express the depth of love and respect I have for this man. He is amazing, brilliant and loving; He’s also a seriously good person. I am so blessed that he continues to choose to be my partner.
I’ve finally come out to the world, and have actively engaged in the LGBTQ community on a deeper level, which has been a tremendously edifying and freeing experience.
I’m two classes away from finishing my B.S. in Economics, and I have CRUSHED this program! I have a 3.378 GPA and have already been accepted to a graduate Applied Econ program (on early acceptance, no less). Completing this degree has been an extraordinarily challenging and empowering experience.
I’m speaking out against the hateful, intolerant insanity that currently grips our nation, and while I may not change a damn thing, at least I can say I made an effort.
I’m fortunate to have dear friends, who happen to be people of color, that help me check my privilege and who share their experiences with me, in such an open and honest way, that I’m learning to be a better ally to my fellow citizens.
T.W.D, special shoutout to you, girl! Our conversations feed my soul; you are amazing!
I’m fortunate to have friends that are authentic, sincere, and are OK when I say what’s on my mind because they say what’s on theirs.
Special shout out to you, J.L.H., if you’re reading this!
I’m fortunate to belong to an incredible support group, filled with people who get where I’m coming from, don’t judge me, don’t pity me and don’t treat me like I’m damaged, mentally fragile or "too sensitive."
I’ve spent the past year learning about, and learning to accept, who I am. I’m learning to speak and live my truth. I’ve learned to stop apologizing and say “Fuck you” to those who aren’t giving me what I need to be whole, healthy and at peace with myself. I’ve learned to let go of the guilt and shame that has dogged me for as long as I can remember.
I can't wait to see what year 48 brings!