Yes, well. Spazzie is back on antidepressants, which means it’s been an exciting week for Bubba and Spazzie here at SpazzieGirl.Com. Mostly, it was a week filled with a fuck-ton of drama because Spazzie is struggling to maintain her grateful mindset. Spazzie allowed her state of ‘cogness’ to get the better of her this week.
Cogness: one’s existence in the vast machine (commercial or public-sector, doesn’t matter, it’s just a different machine), as characterized by toiling away in obscurity, on seemingly irrelevant tasks. You know you’re a cog if the only time anyone gives a fuck about you is when you break (i.e. when you fuck up).
Sure, I can choose to believe that I am irrelevant, just a piece of machinery that no one thinks twice about, and then use my "irrelevance" as an excuse to be pissed off and self-destructive. I spent the first half of my life traveling the “pissed off and self-destructive” road; it didn’t work out so well. I am choosing to live the latter half of my life joyfully, and with a grateful heart.
And there is the root issue: Spazzie’s perspective. The truth is that if I am determined to see myself as obscure and irrelevant than I will BE obscure and irrelevant. This belief will inform every aspect of my being, every personal interaction. This toxicity will infect every moment of every single one of my days. Especially if I allow myself to obsess on the voices repeating "you are irrelevant; you are wasting away and no one gives a shit."
Here’s where the “antidepressant” re-enters my narrative. Spazzie, who has both clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder, needs extra help maintaining a healthy and balanced psyche. My DNA pre-disposed me; my adverse childhood rewired me, permanently.
My first round of treatment with antidepressants (10 years back, now) wasn’t all that successful; the meds didn’t do much to correct my biochemical imbalances. Of course, I was still drinking. Isn’t it funny how antidepressants are less effective when you actively compromise their effectiveness by doping yourself with a depressant?
This time I’m sober and hopeful that the meds will greatly increase Spazzie’s capacity to keep her shit in perspective.
Here’s the truth: cogs can be ordinary, irrelevant or cogs can be a thing of extraordinatry beauty. It’s all about perspective.
Silence Please - Steampunk Fairy by David Puertas.